Why Friends With Benefits Won't Work

Artwork by Kimaya Sarin

What started off as an exciting, friendly hookup has now turned into my misery. When we started hooking up, the timing wasn't right. He told me why he's not looking for a relationship, "maybe we shouldn't continue doing this," he suggested. Overcome with emotion, I tried to figure out any possible way to keep him in my life. Not because I am madly in love, but because of the consistency and the level of comfort I have achieved with him. "Friends with benefits!" I suggested, thinking I struck gold and found the perfect alternative… But boy, was I wrong. To be someone's friend means that you care about them, and once you mix a little too much care with a hookup, you're done.

This is my story of why it won't work. 

In the beginning, boundaries were set. He and I agreed to hang out more sporadically, capping ourselves at once a week MAX. We also promised friendship over everything. The problem was that, as time progressed, feelings did too. 

We slowly forgot about the boundaries we set and were hanging out three times a week. Every time we hung out, we would reveal more and more about ourselves and inevitably become more and more attached to one another. But the real problem above all else is my false hope.

I am a dreamer. I live in a fake scenario world that I create in my head at all times of the day. I told myself I could convince him. If we kept doing this and kept getting closer, he would become obsessed with me, and we'd fall in love and date, and everything would work out happily ever after. Right? 

Again, I was wrong.

Every time we hang out, we act like a couple, we ACT as though we are madly in love, and we ACT as though we are dating. But in the end, all it is is that. Acting. There has been no label change, no professing of love, and no popping of the legendary question: "will you be my girlfriend?"

So here I am now, a confused girl, distracted at all times of the day, dreaming about a boy who may not even like me. The problem is maybe he does… Perhaps he too thinks about me telling him, "I can't do this anymore," "I care about you too much," "I like you," "I love you." But what do I risk if I tell him? I could lose him. He could tell me he doesn't think about me the same way. He could cut me off, and then he'd be gone. 

So, in the end, I decided to stay trapped. Trapped in a state of feeling too scared to tell him how I really feel and too afraid to let him go. It's misery. Instead of confronting the reality of my confinement, I dream. I let myself envision what I wish was our reality, and I stay silent, trapped—confined to my naive and hopeful thoughts. Deep down, I know I should communicate how I feel to him despite my fears, but I don't feel ready for now, and I don't feel sure enough. But what I am sure about is that friends with benefits do not work.