Checks and Balances

My whole life, all I wanted was a boyfriend.

I wanted all the simple pleasures that come with a relationship: holding hands, going on dates, cuddling in bed, and constant butterflies in my stomach.

In high school, I was always the single one. I would sit alone at parties watching my friends and their significant others, dreaming of when it would be my turn. What would he look like? Act like? Would he love me? Would we be happy?

As every cliche magazine states, "It happens when and with who you least expect it."

And that is how it happened to me. Halfway through my freshman year, I met him. He was everything I never expected, in the best way possible. In fact, I would say he was the antithesis of my type. I was a city girl, and he was a boy from a Midwest suburb. But, back then, it truly did not matter. Everything was simple: we liked each other.

We spent a month and a half together before we got sent home for the pandemic.

On our last morning on campus, I had my wow moment. The moment where you realize this is someone you see something special with. I had butterflies in my stomach and a gut feeling that this boy would change my world. We walked to the lake, sat on the dock, and watched the sunrise. It was the most romantic thing I had ever experienced in my life: my movie moment.

He was worth the wait: nine months, to be exact. I was not sure what would happen with us when we were in quarantine. Would he ghost me? Would we get bored of each other? Would this grow into something more?

My questions about us were answered the day I landed back at school. I saw him again, and the butterflies were there, hitting me harder than before and knocking me out.

For four months, our relationship blossomed. Finally, he was mine, and I was the luckiest girl ever. Being in a relationship was everything I had hoped it would be. I was truly happy with him.

Speaking candidly, I am a hopeless romantic. When I fall, I fall hard. In my eyes, our relationship never moved past the honeymoon phase. Everything seemed so easy with him and without effort. Later I realized that this feeling was the lack of challenge or seeing a future. We were at a standstill. Because of that, I could not see my standards, needs, or priorities which normally would be extremely prevalent in my life. I was so happy to be loved and to belong to someone that I ignored countless red flags about him.

The day he left for break, we sat in my bed and held each other for the last time for two months. My heart was pounding in anticipation for him to finally say what I thought he had been feeling and what I had felt for months: I love you. But, instead, I felt my body ache when he walked out my door, barely showing me his emotions and assuring me of his feelings.

When we were away from each other, he continued to show a lack of emotion, attention, and validation towards me. I found myself waiting for his calls, longing for his effort, and questioning if he felt the way that I did. I couldn't understand how someone I spent every day with was treating communication when we were apart like a chore.

While I found myself missing him, I also realized that the way he treated me was much less than what I deserved. Friends in happier, more equal relationships served as examples. I began to crave something a bit more mature. I tried so hard to find those qualities with him, but I realized that I was accepting too little for too long when I did. I was so happy to have someone to be with that I sacrificed my self-respect and standards.

When I saw him after two months apart, I immediately knew everything had changed. The boy who gave me butterflies and made me so happy no longer gave me that giddy feeling. The simple thought of not being able to give him all of me made me feel sick. I knew it was over, but I was terrified to admit it and lose him.

Bottom line: breaking up fucking sucks.

First relationships teach you so much about what you like, what you don't, what you accept, expect, and even what you fear. Not breaking up with someone because you don't want to be by yourself is not a good enough reason to stay together.

I am learning day by day to be happy by myself and continue to look for someone who treats me the way I deserve. So today, instead of feeling butterflies in my stomach for someone else, I am trying to be the butterfly myself, constantly reminding myself of my self-worth and ability to love.

By Anonymous Krush&Ko Writer, ‘23