My Best Friend Did A Health Cleanse, So I Didn’t Have To…
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved*
Maintaining a balanced, healthy lifestyle is something that I have been trying to learn my first few months of college. I love a Thai cashew bowl from Harvest and a good Kamps class, but I would be lying if I said I never crave Ian’s at 2:30 a.m. during a night out.
My best friend, however, is a self-proclaimed “health nut.” She is the perfect image of health… that is, during the week. Over the weekend she can out-eat any player on the football team, maybe even JT! But what’s her secret? In my first week of school I uncovered it: A three-day juice cleanse from Saints Madison. Lana* and I both know how crazy she can be in general, but I never thought she’d buy into an all-liquid diet for 72 hours. When she first told me about her plans to become a “skinny queen,” we both laughed at the irony and ridiculousness. So, I asked her if I could document her journey throughout the week. Lana was more than excited to show me her commitment to the cleanse.
Before she started her cleanse, I took some time to look up more the cleanse’s benefits and downsides. While cleansing may seem like a fun fad, it has been medically proven that juice cleanses can cause dehydration, low blood sugar, kidney stone issues, or even bacterial illnesses. Juice cleanses may limit your caloric intake, but can leave you feeling weak and even slow down your metabolism. Besides the medical downsides of doing juice cleanses, they are also expensive and not realistic for most college students and young adults on budgets. I tried to keep all of this in mind throughout the week, as well as reminding Lana along the way.
On Sunday Lana* and I walk to Saints Madison. It is quaint, all white and beautifully organized with colorful juices on either sides of the store. Simply put, the store gives off total cleanse vibes. Lana buys two sets of the Green Sweep, which includes six types of juices: Goddess Greens, Lean Greens, Greens 5, Radiant Greens, Fountain of Youth and Superblue. The grand total to be a “cleanse queen,” as Lana called herself, is around $100. She justifies this splurge to her mother exclaiming, “It costs a lot to look this good!” Honestly, with a hundred dollars I could probably have five days worth of meals. Lana’s game plan is to have three juices a day for three days, then one or two juices a day for the next two days along with healthy meals (ie: grilled chicken, make your own salads, etc).
On Monday, Lana starts her day with the Superblue, which is the least vegetable-like drink, and my personal favorite. It tastes like a healthy milkshake. She then goes to Kamps and comes back, making a point to say: “I’m so sore.” I start a tally of how many times she says this throughout the week. (Kamps complaint tally: 1). She has a Lean Greens for lunch and a Fountain of Youth for dinner.
On Tuesday, Lana goes to Kamps and wakes me up at the crack of dawn (aka 10 in the morning): “Kamps was unreal today” (Kamps complaint tally: 2). She has the Radiant Greens for brunch, Greens 5 for a mid-afternoon snack and a Goddess Greens for a late dinner. Later that night, Lana comes into my room as I’m about to fall asleep and she screams, “OMG. Do I see… abs?” She is genuinely ecstatic.
Wednesday is Yom Kippur. This means my roommate, my other suitemate and I are fasting all day and then feasting at sundown. Lana drinks Radiant Greens for breakfast, goes to Kamps (Kamps complaint tally: 3), and then has a Fountain of Youth for lunch. My mom sent me a giant care package of bagels, lox, cream cheese, tuna and other snacks from one of the most coveted New York Jewish bagel stores, Sables. Lana eats it all and loves every second of it: “I lost four pounds. Really I lost five, but then we broke the fast. Mood.”
On Thursday, Lana drinks the Superblue for breakfast and has grilled chicken for lunch. I meet her at Forage for dinner where she orders her favorite salad: “Romaine and kale, tomato, corn, black beans, red pepper, hard-boiled egg and NO BREAD.”
Lana is done with her cleanse on Friday. She feels, “literally incredible,” and tells me she feels stronger, healthier and cleaner, but that the cleanse is not for the weak (cough, cough: me).
I may poke fun at my friend Lana, but it's only because we both know how ridiculous it is to count on a week-long juice cleanse to lose weight. Trust me, we laughed about how crazy it was the whole week. In actuality, the weight lost — if any — during a juice cleanse is mostly water weight, making the cleanses incredibly unsustainable, and frankly, not worth it. Instead, Lana and others alike should adjust their goal to be about wanting to live a healthy lifestyle for its many long-term benefits, not finding a quick fix to lose a few pounds.
By Juliette Cohen, Wisconsin ‘23